May the 4th be with you. On to the news.

STORY OF THE WEEK (11 min. listen)
What: A Poorly Executed Execution
Why: Because the death penalty in the United States has more problems than just being a mockery of the term “cruel and unusual.”

ECONOMIC THING OF THE WEEK (1 click purchase)
What: “… With $10,000, We’d Be Millionaires!” And Other Economic Advice
Why: Because Homer is smart. S-M-R-T. Doh!

LAW THING OF THE WEEK (7 min. watch)
What: Paper Replicator Machine? Word Duplication Device?
Why: Because even though the newest class of lawyers needs to now also swear to behave with “dignity, honor, and integrity,” (which, incidentally, is almost flagrant plagiarism of my slogan for my venture into law school politics) this type of situation makes such behavior almost impossible.

SCIENCE THING OF THE WEEK (2 min. watch)
What: Soon, You Won’t Be Able To Blame The Little Old Lady Behind The Wheel For Driving Slow In The Fast Lane (But You Can Blame Gruver)
Why: Because Google is getting closer and closer to making sure humans are removed from the driving equation.

POLITICAL THING OF THE WEEK (7 min. watch)
What: 2014 White House Correspondents’ Dinner (Or The Roast Of Obama)
Why: Because Obama should maybe consider taking up comedy after his presidency ends.

SPORTS THING OF THE WEEK (5 min. read
)What: One Of The Best Fights In Recent History (Although I Personally Like This One Better)
Why: Because anything is better than the recent performance of Bay Area teams in the playoffs…

DRUNK THING OF THE WEEK (2 min. watch)
What: Hungry Drunks, Everywhere
Why: Because this method for hangover prevention still isn’t proven, so until then, nachos please.

MUSIC THING OF THE WEEK (5 min. read)
What: Tupac Or Not Tupac, That Is The Question
Why: Because you gots to have vocab, letters makes words and sentences makes paragraphs.

VIDEO GAME THING OF THE WEEK (7 min. read)
What: Why We Jump
Why: Because jumping that much would be ridiculously tiring in real live.

INTERNET THINGS OF THE WEEK
What: All For One And One Vs. Fifty!; Hamsters Have No Manners; Beer Me
Why: Because Internet.

THING YOU SHOULD GET BRIAN OF THE WEEK
What: Please Fulfill My Robot Dreams
Why: Because Brian deserves it.