Greetings Webtaculators. A buddy of mine and I were having dinner last night at a bar pub type place. One of the screens was showing something called Chive TV, a sophomoric take on America’s Funniest Home Videos, created for a spinoff channel of an internet site that was originally trying to be a mix of The Onion and College Humor. The premise is essentially 24 hour nonstop “internet videos,” with little context and no commentary, on a continuous loop. There was our own conversation, baseball playoff games, college football, and even live Drag Queen Bingo that were all vying for our attention. 6 second videos of humans acting like idiots won over them all, including our discussion about how ridiculous that this drivel was engaging to two very educated, decently successful people. Our lizard brains could not turn away, even as we were saying how incredibly dumb it was that we couldn’t. This is why I try to mostly stick to text. I know, reading is hard and tedious, but it at least forces you to pay attention. Assuming you’re not simultaneously watching dumb internet videos. On to the news.
STORY OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: This Is How The World Ends
Why: Because our planet is going to kill us all. Luckily (?) this storm hit in a “relatively” uncrowded area, but there will be others of this magnitude. As always, FEMA is not doing a great job. In my area, the local utility, for the first time in its history, has decided that in order to curtail the threat of fire, it will cut power to customers in situations where in high threat (read super windy, dry and hot conditions[basically always in California now]) occur. Things are only going to get worse. In the meantime, it’s perfectly fine that countries are murdering journalists.
ECONOMIC THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: Back To The Start
Why: Because a massive market correction wiped out all stock gains since essentially January of this year. Things are not looking better for this week.
LAW THING OF THE WEEK (4 min. read)
What: Death To The Death Penalty
Why: Because judges aren’t all bad. Read the opinion here.
SCIENCE THING OF THE WEEK (8 min. read)
What: Magic Leap? More Like Illusion Fall!
Why: Because according to one reviewer, there doesn’t seem to be so much that’s magical about what is supposed to be a game changing AR.
SPORTS THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: Good Football
Why: Because even though the league and sport are trash, it still can prove to be a fun game.
MOVIE THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
Why: Because First Man is a good space movie.
MUSIC THING OF THE WEEK (2 min. read)
What: We’re Doing It Live
Why: Because it’s not often that an original motion picture soundtrack does well on the charts anymore. It helps if one of the artists in the film is Lady Gaga, though.
PHOTOGRAPHY THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. look)
What: Total Destruction
Why: Because this is what hurricanes will continue to look like.
LITERATURE THING OF THE WEEK (8 min. read)
What: More Books You Should Read But Haven’t Yet
Why: Because for a men’s magazine, Esquire is actually doing a good job of representation in their recommendations.
VIDEO GAME THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: CODBLOPS IIII
Why: Because people who play video games apparently really like Call Of Duty: Black Ops but hate correct use of Roman numerals.
INTERNET THINGS OF THE WEEK (∞)
What: Gettin’ Genie With It (Because Will Smith Is The Genie [Sorry]); Wayne Jackson;
Why: Because Internet.
THING YOU SHOULD GET BRIAN OF THE WEEK
What: Gritty Cake
Why: Because Brian deserves it.
Managing Editor, Webtacular World
The Internet You Didn’t Know You Needed™