Webtacular World Issue #314, December 15, 2019 DOUBLE ISSUE

Greetings Webtaculators! Sorry to miss last week. I was too busy trying to figure out what I was doing at a Packers game at Lambeau Field. Based on my limited experience with Wisconsin, the fact that there are enough Wisconsinites to do shitty things like this is not surprising to me. To make it up to you all, here are two stories for the price of free for each category. On to the news.

STORIES OF THE WEEK (5 min. read; 3 min. read)
What: Articles Of Impeachment; Britain Will Leave
Why: Because Trump will be impeached by the House, but the Senate will plug their ears, stuff their heads in the sand, and pretend that none of the facts presented in the case against Trump actually occurred. Also, after conquering the world and subjecting everyone to English, England votes to leave the EU because of the negative perception of foreigners. The world is incredibly stupid.

ECONOMIC THINGS OF THE WEEK (5 min. read; 2 min. read)
What: Trade Deal???; No Plane No Gain
Why: Because, for what feels like the billionth time, Trump has announced a trade deal with China. Whether or not it actually says anything important remains to be seen. Also, Boeing got lightly flicked with a $3.9 million penalty for installing non conforming parts on its planes. For reference, a single plane costs between $40 million and $450 million. Not surprising, since the FAA apparently knew about Boeing MAX’s problems that caused their crashes.

LAW THINGS OF THE WEEK (3 min. read; 2 min. read)
What: Let’s See What Buying A Court Does; Trump Found Guilty Of Defrauding A Charity
Why: Because it is assumed that Trump is a piece of shit for the first story, and is verified by the second story.

TECH THINGS OF THE WEEK (5 min. read; 4 min. read)
What: 5G For Real; Next Box
Why: Because the real next generations telecommunications system was just rolled out in 10 states. Also, Microsoft announced its new console being released next year.

SPORTS THINGS OF THE WEEK (5 min. watch; 4 min. read)
What: Cheating, Again; The Greatest Got Greater
Why: Because sports teams cannot stop being awful at sportsmanship. Also, Messi is the best.

MOVIE THINGS OF THE WEEK (3 min. read; 3 min. read)
What: Feeling Good About Divorce; The Second Level
Why: Because Marriage Story is a wonderfully acted movie about when things fall apart. Also, the new Jumanji does OK.

MUSIC THING OF THE WEEK (long read; 1 min. read)
What: Back To Pitchforks; Fruscianti’s Back
Why: Because after the decade review, Pitchfork seemed… off. That is no longer a problem considering how few of the artist it thinks is the best of this year I have heard of. Also, John Fruscianti, one of my favorite guitarists ever, is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers after a decade of being away.

ART THING OF THE WEEK (long looks)
What: Art Collectors Have Too Much Money; Best Photos Of 2019
Why: Because being praised for your art collections, in many circumstances, is not really altruistic at all. Also, good pictures are good.

LITERATURE THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read; forever)
What: Expanding Minds Internationally; Read Everything
Why: Because sometimes awards should look beyond America’s boarders, especially for children. Also, NPR’s best books list is way too long.

VIDEO GAME THING OF THE WEEK (4 min. read; long look)
What: Giant Robot Smash; The Game Awards
Why: Because MechWarrior 5 proves that sometimes all you need in a video game is a giant bipedal tank blowing things up to be fun. Also, Sekiro won a deserved game of the year.

INTERNET THINGS OF THE WEEK (∞)
What: Storm Troopers, Evolved; Rewind Again; Is # 1 Even A Question?
Why: Because Internet.

THING YOU SHOULD GET BRIAN OF THE WEEK
What: A Pause Button For Life
Why: Because Brian deserves it.

Webtacularly yours,
Brian
Managing Editor, Webtacular World
The Internet You Didn’t Know You Needed™

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