Greetings Webtaculators! To be completely honest, I sure can’t stand all the winning Trump is doing right now: dismantling Obamacare (fail), manning a functioning Executive branch (fail and fail), making smart statements about policing while making sure our military remains strong (fail and fail), and having no real international problems to deal with (failed and failed). Yup. Nothing but winning.
Also, with apologies to Meagan, I spent way too much time on the MUSIC THING OF THE WEEK this time around, so, if you want something completely non-political to think about or be mad at me for turning your attention to, spend some time with that. On to the news.

STORY OF THE WEEK (6 min. read)
What: GOP Fails Ending Obamacare
Why: Because this is what happens when you elect people who run for government on the assumption that the government doesn’t do anything – nothing gets done. This is one of the largest Congressional failures in recent history, especially considering the GOP has a majority in all three branches. This is basically the equivalent of one of those pop flies in baseball that all three outfielders are in position to make the play, but then they all just stand there while the ball falls to the ground, and point and scream at each other about why no one caught it.

One of the most theatrical parts of the events leading up to the no-vote was the return of John McCain. I’m reluctant to give him credit for anything, due to the fact that he was one of the reasons why a vote was even necessary in the first place. An even bigger problem with this story is that as a Senator from Arizona (a state that LOVES its Medicare due to its large Baby Boomer voting base), McCain risked very little to vote no on this issue. The people who actually risked something were Senators Susan Collins from Maine and Lisa Murkowski from Alaska. Both women have actively been voting against the poorly vetted health bills pushed by their party, while facing attacks from their colleagues and president. They deserve as many accolades as possible for literally saving the lives and livelihoods of millions of Americans.

ECONOMIC THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: The Model 3 Is Here
Why: Because the first Tesla for the masses arrived.

LAW THING OF THE WEEK (4 min. read)
What: The F(u)CC
Why: Because Ajit Pai can’t adequately explain why net neutrality is bad for business, even though that is the argument he is using to destroy it.

SPORTS THING OF THE WEEK (6 min. look)
What: This Is Your Brain On Football
Why: Because apparently smashing your head into other people’s heads for a living is not good for your brain.

MOVIE THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: 💩
Why: Because the Emoji Movie had the honor of achieving a 0 Freshness rating at Rotten Tomatoes at its release. It is now a little above 0, but I blame that on one of the reviewers mistakenly watching paint dry. Go see Atomic Blonde instead.

MUSIC THING OF THE WEEK (4 min. read)
What: Arcade Smolder
Why: Because the newest Arcade Fire album scored lower on Pitchfork than the newest Coldplay album. I think that this means that indie music is dead. What this also means is that in order to see how we got to Coldplay + Chainsmokers somehow being a thing (that actually is better than parts of the Arcade Fire album [Spin agrees], to be completely honest) I went ahead and listened to every single major album released by Coldplay in chronological order. Here are my thoughts.

Parachutes
Score: 3 Pensive Chris Martins out of 5
My Favorite Song: Don’t Panic
Song You Are Probably Sick Of: Yellow
Remember when Coldplay was mostly pianos and falsetto? Well, now you do. World, meet Coldplay. Coldplay, world.

A Rush Of Blood To The Head
Score: 3.5 Thom Yorkes / snitraM sirhC out of 5
My Favorite Song: The Scientist
Song You Are Probably Sick Of: Clocks
This album was the closest Coldplay came to actually being the “next Radiohead.”

X & Y
Score: 3 Chris Martins Standing In An Arena out of 5
My Favorite Song: Til Kingdom Come
Song You Are Probably Sick Of: Fix You
Coldplay found out that a large amount of additional sound production could go a long way. This is the first sign that they would make EDM music in 10 years.

Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends / Prospekt’s March
Score: 4 Triumphant Chris Martins out of 5
My Favorite Songs: Viva La Vida / Strawberry Swing
Song You Are Probably Sick Of: Lost!
This is far and away my favorite Coldplay album. Martin actually wrote lyrics with meaning, the sound was a brave progression to something new without losing what a Coldplay song was supposed to sound like, and the sister EP Prospekt’s March actually took ideas from the main album and expanded upon them in a clear way. Aside from the mix up with guitar god Joe Satriani, this is a good album. Good job Coldplay.

Mylo Xyloto
Score: 2.5 Dancing Chris Martins out of 5
My Favorite Song: Hurts Like Heaven
Songs You Are Probably Sick Of: Paradise / Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall
Coldplay took all of the things that made Viva La Vida interesting, and then did too much of it. Coldplay, meet dance music. Dance music, Coldplay.

Ghost Stories
Score: 1 Very Sad Chris Martin out of 5
My Least Unfavorite Song: Midnight
Song You Probably Forgot But Will Dislike Immediately Upon Rehearing: Magic
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow, purveyor of modern day snake oils, “consciously uncoupled.” Chris Martin was sad. Chris Martin made this album. Please don’t make Chris Martin sad again.

A Head Full Of Dreams / Kaleidoscope
Score: 2 Left Shark Chris Martins out of 5
My Favorite Song: Birds
Song You Are Probably Sick Of: Adventure Of A Lifetime / Hymn For The Weekend / Something Just Like This (Tokyo Remix)
Well, Chris Martin got happy again, so Coldplay said fuck it, fully embraced its pop side, complete with dancing monkeys, a track of Obama singing and speaking, a song about drinking, a performance at the Super Bowl with Bey and Bruno Mars, and an earnest attempt to learn to have fun again. So enjoy the EDMification of Coldplay. Who knows; maybe in the next album, they’ll return to their light piano ballads while dreaming of super-stardom. Until then, we get this.

LITERATURE THING OF THE WEEK (3 min. read)
What: 200 Years Of Thoreau
Why: Because there are often times in my life where I wish I could flee to a small hut and write about my thoughts on the world, but I guess I’ll just keep on spending Sunday evenings smashing away a keyboard extolling the virtues and vices of pretty ok bands. On the bright side, it’s not like I really would want people to make pilgrimages to the East Bay anyway.

VIDEO GAME THING OF THE WEEK (5 min. read)
What: Light My Pyre
Why: Because everyone loves some sports with their interactive novel, right?

INTERNET THINGS OF THE WEEK (∞)
What: Butternut Squash Is Not Cheese; Scaramucci The Law Student; Fan-Tastic; Someone Should Tell Trump What The “T” In LGBT Stands For
Why: Because Internet.

THING YOU SHOULD GET BRIAN OF THE WEEK
What: Tesla Model 3
Why: Because Brian deserves it.

Webtacularly yours,
Brian
Managing Editor, Webtacular World
The Internet You Didn’t Know You Needed™